We found him laying face down under the table, where he fell in last moments of his life. On his arm there were seven or eight adhesive plasters spaced irregularly. I didn't know what kind of crap that was, technicians will find out in the lab. After reading the letter that he'd left on the table I knew that it was some sort of fluoxetin or nialamid... Either way, he'd taken far too much of it.
Why had it to fall down on her? I'm at home alone for the second month already and I can't figure it out. Alone. I'm constantly thinking about these days when she was here, when we walked by the riverside, when once... When I've been getting up earlier to go for the fresh bread, not waking her up... And when I was back she already awaited me with coffee....
His voice was breaking, image was shaky as I looked further through the letter.
... that day she went dancing. God, how she loved dancing! I haven't gone with her, I had a lot of work. And yet we were inseparable, God, why haven't I gone with her...
It was hard to stand his eyes looking straight at me from the letter. I lowered down the middle Proportion and the unpleasant feeling weakened. It was against the official regulations, I should be fully focused on present moment, but lowering by 5 points won't harm anybody.
... I should've gone. If I did, this guy wouldn't have... it is my fault, I always worked so much. And now it all doesn't matter, I haven't been to the office for two months now, they'd just sent my papers back. Why... why had he crossed paths with her? Why couldn't he break with the gun into our house when she was gone, it could have been me! It should have been me!
He opened a box with plasters. For a moment he ran his fingers across their material. I could see that it wasn't his first box.
... now this helps me. Helps me to forget... now it is the only thing left for me. But in fact... there is nothing ahead of me, my future is empty, I wait for nothing. Only she could...
He paused, staring into the distance. Then he unpacked and sticked two plasters. They didn't work on him, he had his middle Proportion off the balance. He felt nothing, looked at the plasters and continued.
... only she could build something with me. And when in August we went to Sicily... the sun, old stone houses and paved streets, nights spent on the beach with wine, sun rising over the sea. How she loved me back then! I've seen it in her eyes, I asked... We were so happy, with feet in the sand, stars, music from a beach restaurant somewhere in the distance. She asked me to promise to never leave her alone! And what have I done?!
I knew this state he was in. Clear details, like the whole past happened just yesterday. More - like it was happening today - a strong first Proportion. In the meantime he reached six plasters, threw the empty box under the table, reached for another one. No thinking about consequences, no sense of feeling - quite obvious with this settings.
... and I've left her exactly when she needed me. Not in this damned night in Sicily. Not a month later when she was taking this exam, that doesn't mean a shit now. I wasn't there for her when I actually could have made a difference, save her...
He rolled his eyes and fell under the table. The letter was three days old, we couldn't do anything for likes of him, not even with today's med technology. He stayed exactly where he put himslef - in history.
05-80-15
Ah, fuck it - this is what I told them. Doesn't matter what will be in a year from now, maybe they will come up with a less risky treatment? But I won't let them lock me up in a hospital for that long. So what if I won't have much time without the drugs? They will make me numb, blunting my senses. So what if my heart can stop any minute now? I will worry about that later. Or never. I cannot always worry about what will be, will be, will be.
I crank up the middle Proportion. There aren't many people in the park today, it is still early and the facility is far from the town. Except for this one guy sitting on the bench in the distance there isn't a living soul out here... not counting bird. Do birds have souls, actually?
But how can something soulless be singing so beautifully? Just listen how they sound, what harmonies! I sink into the sounds of the park. Gentle breeze on my face, carrying the smell of a freshly cut grass and apple-trees blooming. It is so good that they planted so beautiful trees here. I close my eyes and my other senses sharpen. How many scents can you experience at once? I smell three, four, five... ah, I guess they just delivered fresh bread to the kitchen, I can smell the crust on the loaves, golden in the rays of morning sun, I suppose.
Footsteps sound bizarre on the gravelly alley - it's that guy moving to another bench. I open my eyes, look at his blue robe, grey hair, thick glasses on his nose. He sits comfortably on the new bench, mixing with it's blueness. They should give us robes of different colours, it would be much more interesting... He opens a newspaper, and I close my eyes listening to the sound of pages turning from time to time.
Such an intrusive sound in this world of birds singing and wind in the trees. But after all the newspaper is made from paper and paper from the trees... it all comes together, connects somehow.
I feel the hardness of the bench beneath my spine. I feel the wood in the places where it is touching my body, the blue-painted wood imprinting itself on my muscles and fat. I feel how my blood runs through my veins, I feel my breath and the air flowing through my nose into my lungs. The awareness of this particular moment, which I don't want to abandon... why should I?
There is nothing more important than the present, past is past and the future is uncertain.
I look at the Proportion settings on my device, at that redish numbers. I am fine with them, I don't want to worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow may never come, today is today. Today there is no sickness, no pain. Today is just the birds singing, the bread smelling and soft wind on my cheeks.
I max out the middle Proportion. And the tomorrow never came in fact, they've found me on the blue bench in the same blue hospital robe.
10-10-80
Dad was always saying that the task of the man is to feed his family. Provide the food, the living conditions for his woman and children. Martha will go to the high school next year, I have to think about this. Expenses on private tutors, preparing for SATs. The books are also not the cheapest and I should raise her allowance. And the piano lessons, it takes some bucks too, but she puts a lot of hope in the music. Johnny wanted a new bike, I bought it with loan, this must be taken into account as well. I should find some additional cash.
- Maybe I will take this project from Hughes. - I say aloud during the breakfast. Ann stops arguing with Johnny about him being to big to eat animal-shaped cereals. Both are smiling - now I notice. And I see how Ann's smile wears off and she starts to look worried when stares at me. I take a look over her shoulder, see my face in the mirror on the wall - yeah, my face is a bit tightened, eyes seem a bit unpresent. And those wrinkles on my forehead...
But what can I do, somebody in this family has to think about the future. Somebody has to be the responsible one, money won't just magically appear in the house. Yes, the Hughes' project is a good idea. Couple of weeks, maybe two-three months of working in the evenings, doing some calculations... but I can deal with this. With that effort we can send Martha to the best tutors, she will pass the SATs with the best score, she will enter the best college. She will thank me for that later.
I remember when we weren't able to afford this cruise during last summer, how they were dissappointed. And how Martha was the last one in her class to get the new communication device, everybody had one already. How she was sad about it and how it is my task to provide her with all the best, it is my duty as the head of this family!
I didn't notice when Johnny left the table. It was the gentle kiss from Ann going to the kitchen that stopped my train of thought. We'll get ourselves some nice holidays, it's been a while since we went somewhere together. I will save some bucks, after the next project I can catch a break. The kids will take care of themselves, they are old enough. And we can go to Finland maybe, I always wanted to go there... Maybe Ann would want to go somewhere warmer, south of France, maybe Spain? Yes, Martin was lately in Barcelona, he said they had a great time. Three months and we will take a break, for sure.
If nothing unexpected comes up.
For quite some time something was disturbing my thinking. Some noise. After a while I realised it was Martha playing something on her piano. Seems nice. Maybe someday it will turn into something serious, she should practise. In a year or two she can give a concert somewhere, we will go to listen, I will sit in the front row as the perfect father. I will be proud of her.
I finish my toasted bread and tea mechanically, thinking about how to solve the motivational program for a big company. This will be my first battle today when I step into the office.
I lock the empty house and leave to the work as the last one. I missed the moment when my children and wife left home, I can't recall - have they said goodbye?
