She hugs me once we sit on a bench. It's a sunny afternoon, kids playing on swings being looked at by their smoking moms. Somewhere on the other side of the square a small boy is riding a bike.
- Why are you still so upset about this? It was nothing, I just got a bit angry, but not for long... I'm sorry, but it's gone, nothing bad happened...
- Not really. No behaviour is an island, each and every one leads a path.
- What are you talking about? Leads a path? To what?
- To repetition and escalation, it brings a new balance, a new standard...
Seven-year-old on his bicycle passes by, looking at us with curiosity. Proudly presents lack of some baby teeth in wide smile. My eyes follow him until he's gone behind a turn.
- Honey, now you're talking nonsense. You're taking it all too hard, too personal. It's nothing, I said.
- It's a step in a wrong, negative direction. Even if you're taking it back, this fragment of the path has already been stepped on. Place is known, tamed, it's not terra incognita anymore.
- What?! Are you insulting me with those latin words? - she tries to turn it all into a joke. But not this time.
- It is like settlers on a new continent. First they land on an unknown shore. Exploring the terrain, building a settlement, and when they feel safe enough, they go deeper into the woods. Going further and further, since they have always a home they can return to. The home in a place that was dangerous and unknown not so long ago.
- This is some kind of an abstract.
- Okay, so let's talk more real. A child, for example. Child tests how far it can go, how much it can do before pisses of its parents. First a small disobedience, and once it goes unpunished then it tests the borders further, going for a bigger one.
- Enough with these examples, I'm not some kind of a stupid kid! - just in this moment the kid on the bike appears, looks like he's circling around the park. When passing by he sticks out he's tongue and smiles.
- We all are like kids. We have to know the borders to know how to behave. And how to know the better, than by testing them? And when during the test we don;t come across a firm line, we go further from there. Maybe not immediately, maybe not much further, but still - it is easier to come back to a place once it's visited.
Let's take another example - a stupid guy in a bar. Eye contact, a second-two. Later, once you are both fine with that, a smile. When he's dared by that, he approaches, starts the talk...
- Okay, but you've said he's stupid, so...
- Wait a bit, you don't know it yet. You go out, a date, a kiss - excitement. After a while it is known, tamed. Terra cognita. Kisses and meetings are natural, you stopped even noticing them, it becomes a base ground, a natural level zero. The settlement is built, so no it's time to go deeper into the woods - you go to bed.
- Yeah, the relationship moves further, what's wrong with... - she stops while the biking kid speeds just centimeters from our legs. - Hey!
- Hey, be! - he shouts back and shows his toothless smile once again, disappearing behind the turn.
- Okay, but we're talking about a jerk. After few weeks you come to notice that. He's not respecting you, you catch him on lying, you leave. But tell me honestly, once he calls again, how much easier is to agree to meet just for a coffee, go out for a dinner and you won't even realise what's going on until you are back in bed with him? How much easier, once the situation is known, he is known, it is like returning to the familiar ground. Terra cognita. How many times people are returning to their partners even though it wasn't so perfect? "He's a swine, but he's mine".
- You're going into some off topic. - she marks.
- Not really. I am talking about human psyche, about its defects. We consider natural the things that we're familiar with, we stop noticing how good or bad they are and we move forward - to test the borders, discover something new. Escalation is a trap of our minds. Once the bad emotions are there, they lead the way for bigger and more serious ones, if the border is not met on the way.
- But every couple fights, this is what people are...
Eh, generalization. Does she know me at all?
- Yeah, people are cheating on each other, lying, beating up and breaking up. Do you want to be a normal couple or a good one?
She went silent for a moment, after which tried one last attempt:
- You forbid me to get angry?
- Your behaviour is your thing. I don't have a right to control it or forbid it, in my power is just the way I react to it. I can just explain my point of view, my fears and my opinion on how it affects our relationship...
In this exact moment the little bastard rode his bike right through my foot, sticking out his tongue in an evil grimace.
