Life-fright // Passing trains

Some of the thoughts come to our minds and later turn into conversations in the most unexpected circumstances. Like right in that moment, sitting by a small round table in front of a still-closed cafe. Watching lazy waves of the sea, sipping terrible - but cheap - coffee bought from a vending machine just few meters away. Why would they put a coffee vending machine just by the cafeteria? Maybe that's the business model - provide bad coffee in the machine and convince some clients later to get a decent one?

Anyway, there we were, with backpacks nicely stacked by the yellowish stone wall, sipping morning coffee. Sitting in place, but wandering far away with random thoughts.

- Are you scared sometimes? - I broke the silence. Not that it was unconvinient. Just because.

Jack slowly took out a cigarette from the pack, lightened it up. Waves  in front of us still flowing.

- Scared of what?

- That you will die. That in the middle of one of the roads there will be death awaiting you. Unexpected and greeting you without giving time for preparation.

He smiled, still looking far ahead.

- Unprepared? Do you mean writing down a will, gathering family to tell them one final goodbye, to bless them and leave them with one last memory of me closing my eyes to never open them again?

- Yeah, exactly. That's how I always pictured my death. Kind of movie style, if you think about it.

I imagined myself old, on a deathbed. With my children and grandchildren gathering around, even one baby on the hand, staring curiously without knowing what is actually going on. Poetic, metaphorical. Life ends in front of a life that hasn't really began. Beautiful. The image disappeared suddenly when Jack spoke again.

- You want to prepare for the sole moment of dying. But aren't we preparing for it our whole lives? What would actually be the thoughts in your head while dying? - he put the cigarette in his mouth, but didn't inhaled for a while. - You would think - was my life good? Have I done any good to this world? Have I lived the way I wanted? Have I managed to make some of my dreams come true?

I thought about it and yes, he was right, obviously. These would be questions that I guess everybody would ask himself. Summarising the life that is ending. If only we would be able to summarise it having sound mind, of course.

- If you are living a good life you don't have to dig very deep in memory to answer those questions. - he continued. - And the fear of dying is a lot of times preventing you from following your dreams. Cause they might be risky and eventually could cost you your life. Actually if they are not risky and scary they are not worth to be dreams. That's my point of view.

I took the last sip of the coffee and left the paper cup on the table. I streched my legs walking few meters towards the end of the quay.

- And geting back to your first question - yes. Yes, sometimes I am scared. And it makes me feel alive, I like this fear from time to time. Because it means that I still have something that I am afraid of losing. Dreams not realised, words not said to people not seen for a while. I think it's good to have them, because if you don't...

I saw him gathering both of our cups and putting them in his backpack. For later, they might be useful.

- ... it means you have nothing left anymore in your life.

*   *   *

Our train was leaving around 3 a.m. and we were stuck in a small station with walls showing old bricks, grass sticking out from cracks in the pavement, and windows with dirty glass. If they were sturdy enough even to keep the glass in the frames.

We got use from the coffee cups saved before, got warm water from still-open bathroom and threw into it some packages of 3 in 1. Stirring the coffee with empty packages sat on the platform and enjoyed empty station with view on the rusty train cars left on the sidetracks. Whether forgotten or in use, they were not going anywhere tonight. We hoped we would, but this small town on Hungarian border seemed to be swallowing and keeping things in it. For itself, for entertainment, for breaking the eternal boredom of place that nothing ever happened in. For this kind of a black hole of not-moving-forward we would be quite interesting prisoners. I nearly felt its old crooked fingers clutching on us, trying not to let us out with the next train going away.

Anyway, this was Jacks turn for a question.

- Why have you set off for your trip?

- Well, I always wanted to go for this kind of adventure. You know, me against the world. Quite romantic and stupid, but I have had this dream for a long time and...

- Bullshit. - he interrupted me, looking curiously at something between the rusty train cars. - People always say "Oh, I have always wanted to do this, to do that". Like "I always wanted to write a novel" or "I always wanted to own a coffee shop". But they never do it. It stays hidden behind "but's" and other reasons to postpone.

I finished my coffee in the meantime and watched a railways worker leave the station for dinner at home. Having wife and kids waiting for his arrival. With smiles and food on the table or with arguements and their own problems just waiting to be poured over guy's head. Anyway, he has them.

- So - Jack continued. - Why have you actually done it? Why have you set off for your trip in this particular time? Without postponing it anymore?

I knew clearly. I recalled the feeling I've had when leaving my office that day.

- Because I needed it. Desperately, right there and right then. I needed a change in my life or otherwise I knew I would collapse into myself. I took the list of things I've kept in my drawer for a year back then, packed the backpack and just went. Called my family on the way that I won't be home for Easter. And from the first town I got wifi I've mailed my office that all the amendments for my project are on their mail, and I won't be taking any new projects for some time now. Didn't care much.

He smiled and turned to me.

- Now that's a motivation. You took the chance whether you were prepared or not, whether it was smart or totally stupid.

- Yes, I just couldn't do otherwise. - that feeling was now so distant for me, like hundreds miles away. And actually it was hundreds miles away.

- I admire that. We all wait for life to start. To be prepared for things that happen, for taking chances that come our way. Only one more raise, only one more promotion, only setting my mortgage straight and then I will... Right now I have some problems with my wife, you know, things are not great and it keeps me busy... After children will go out of the house... Waiting for a right time to begin living. Preparing for the right time. Guess what?

- The right time never comes, this is what you want to say, don't you?

- Exactly. This is an abstract concept that never appears. Point in future that moves forward as we do, staying always just within reac of our hand, but never there. Perfect eternal excuse.

He took the last sip of coffee and pointed at the train cars.

- It's like a train. You may wait for a perfect time to hop on one. Prepare your stuff, train your skills, check the forecast. But the train doesn't care about all this, it is your shit. It doesn't care if you have saved enough money to go away, if all at work is ok, if you've got your fucken toothbrush packed. It just arrives at a platform, gives you few moments to decide and leaves whether you're on it or not. Just as things in your life. They appear and you have few moments to decide if you hop on or stay and wait for a better time. Whether to figure stuff out on the go, or to look on the horizon for the right moment. Prepare, prepare, prepare. While the trains pass by.